When Grandparents Die: Helping Your Child Cope With Loss and Grief

By Maria Trozzi, M.Ed.

Four-year-old Sara has had another bad day at preschool. Irritable and tired, she challenged her teachers at every turn. When Mom came to pick her up, she was handed a bag of wet clothes — another accident.

Sara's grandfather is in the hospital. He has lived in Sara's home since before Sara was born. Last week he suffered a massive stroke and is not expected to live. Sara's aunt has just arrived with her 3-year-old and is staying in the guestroom. The family's routine is in turmoil. Sara's mother is juggling her responsibilities as a parent of two young children, a daughter to her critically ill parent, and an attorney at a law firm.

  Living With Loss

  Guidelines for Grieving

  Frequently Asked Questions

Living With Loss

Sara's story is not unusual. Most kids lose a grandparent at some point in their lives. A grandparent's illness and death can disrupt daily routines and send family emotions into high gear. Children like Sara, too young to understand the complexities of what's going on, use their behavior to tell us, the adults in their life, that they're having difficulty dealing with the change. But as we go through our own inner turmoil, we often temporarily and unavoidably neglect our children's emotional needs.

It is difficult to think of our parents dying. No matter what our age or quality of relationship with our parents, their death means living without them for the first time in our lives. It forces us to look at our own mortality. For many of us, it is our first profound loss. It challenges our very ability to cope. It's hard enough being a parent of a young child, juggling responsibilities at home and at work. When our own parent falls ill, the demands on our lives multiply. Suddenly we are called upon to deal with not only our own already hectic lives, but also the serious illness of a loved one, relationships with our siblings, mourning our parent, and our children's grief and confusion at losing a grandparent — all at the same time. No blueprint exists for this difficult point in our lives.

Guidelines for Grieving

What's more, children are very impressionable. Your child will remember how you handled her grandparents' deaths, and in the future, she will model her own grief on these teachable moments from her childhood. To help you navigate through this difficult period and provide your child with important coping skills, consider the following guidelines:

Grandparents link us to our past. Whether they care for our children regularly, see them only at special visits, or communicate via cards, phone, or Internet, they play a unique role in our kids' lives. How we as parents guide our youngsters through their grandparents' deaths becomes a hallmark for other important emotional events our children will experience as they grow up. Equally important, their memories of Nana or Grampy offer them a legacy of their past and a richness of life experience that they will hold forever.

Frequently Asked Questions

Question: What should I do if my child asks, "What happens to you when you die? Does it hurt? Where do you go?"

Maria Trozzi: Most young children are looking for a concrete response to these types of questions. Good advice is to answer only the questions being asked; you might also ask your child what prompted the questions. I would answer, "When somebody dies, your body totally stops working, you can't breathe, you can't eat, you can't think, you can't walk. You can't even feel pain. No, it doesn't hurt at all. Most people's bodies are buried in cemeteries."

Question: Should my 4-year-old son attend a funeral service where he may see his grandfather's body? If so, should I let him see the body or keep him from getting too close and being frightened?

Maria Trozzi: For any child to benefit from the rituals that are common at the end of life, he or she needs to be able to make sense of the experience. Most 4-year-olds would find the funeral experience overwhelming, especially if it involves viewing the body. In order to learn whether your own child is ready for such an experience, tell him what goes on at a funeral; be brief and concrete. Then ask him to tell you what he understands. If he can articulate his understanding, he may be ready to participate in some aspect of the funeral. Feeling part of this family experience and observing how our culture remembers those we love is very powerful IF the child is ready.

Question: My mother just passed away. How long do I wait before sending my daughter back to preschool and other normal activities?

Maria Trozzi: Very young children thrive on routine! If she seems willing, there's no necessary waiting period before sending her back. She will be anxious to see her friends and her teacher and may want to share her news about her grandmother with her class. Remember that as a preschooler, she may think that her grandmother is "coming back." For your daughter, your grief response will be the most memorable part of this experience.

Question: How do I explain to my toddler that his grandma is very ill and is going to die?

Maria Trozzi: Although as parents we often want to protect our young children from these difficult situations, there is a hidden opportunity for helping your child develop coping skills. And grandma becomes sicker, help your child understand this by describing how she looks, what she is able to do (or not do), and how that feels to you. For example, "Remember when Grandma was able to play your favorite games with you when you visited and baked cookies with you? Now, because she is sick and tired, she isn't able to do that anymore. She enjoys watching television with you, however."

As her illness progresses:

"Now, Grandma sleeps a lot. She's very tired and sometimes needs to have less noise. Notice that she is in a different kind of bed that helps her to sit up."

And finally:

"Grandma takes lots of different kinds of pills because she is so sick. The pills help her not to hurt, but they make her very sleepy. Yes, she sleeps most of the time and can't really eat anymore."

Most young children at this point may ask if Grandma is going to die. Reply that she will die someday and perhaps very soon. Wait for more questions from your toddler. He may or may not have an interest in pursuing this information. Let your child lead you.