Q&A:
How can I help my 2 1/2-year-old, who was toilet trained but now has daily accidents?

0 people commented
on this article

Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.

Meet our authors

"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.

Read bio Hide bio Hide

Question

My 2 1/2-year-old daughter potty trained herself three months ago. She simply said, "No more diapers, Mommy." For three weeks she was very successful, made it to the toilet every time, and was very proud of herself. I was proud too because it was her accomplishment and had very little to do with me. Now she has been having accidents every day. I don't understand this regression, nor do I know how to handle her accidents. We have gone back to disposable training pants because the mere suggestion of wearing a diaper makes her cry. I sometimes have trouble suppressing my frustration, but I know my getting angry does not help. What can I do to help her and me through this difficult time?

Answer

Setbacks like this are extremely common, especially among children this age. You're absolutely right that your getting angry won't help in fact, it will make matters worse for both of you.

Young children have toilet training setbacks for a variety of reasons. For example, they're feeling stress from something else in their lives; they started before they were physically or emotionally ready; they're feeling ill. No matter what the reason, the parents' response should be the same: Don't make a big deal over it, and don't push her to go faster than she's ready to go.

You were very smart to put your child in training pants. They will help her get back on track without feeling embarrassed. They also allow her to practice the toilet training skills that may be giving her trouble, and will provide an easy transition to regular underwear once she's no longer having accidents.