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Expert Q&A:
How can I help my 23-month-old, who cries when another child takes his toys at day care?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


How can I help my 23-month-old, who cries when another child takes his toys at day care?

Answer


One of the most important challenges faced by toddlers is learning to handle social relationships outside of their families. Both your son and the children who are taking the toys are struggling with the same issues. Instead of focusing on assertiveness, I suggest looking for ways to give him practice with important underlying social skills.

For example, when my son was that age and a bit older we'd play a game we called "cars." We'd divide his collection of miniature cars into two sets: one for him and one for me. Then we'd start trading. "I'll give you the yellow Ferrari if you'll give me the truck." When we struck a deal, we'd each send our cars skidding across the floor to the other person. He loved it and would often play for an hour or more. More important, it gave him some experience with negotiation — figuring out how to get what he wanted by developing empathy and listening to another person's needs.

Be patient. Talk to the teachers at the child care center for some perspective. Find out if they're concerned. (I doubt it.) Remember that it's important to give your child enough time to learn and master these important social skills.

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