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Expert Q&A:
How do I cope with a 28-month-old who keeps running away from us?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


How do I cope with a 28-month-old who keeps running away from us?

Answer


One of the fundamental tasks of toddlerhood is to experiment with independence. That's why they say "No!" a lot, and why they take great glee in wandering off on their own. The problem, as you said, is that they don't understand the dangers of some of their behaviors.

The key to preventing problems is using appropriate discipline. For a child your son's age, that means environmental control, not warnings or punishments. While it's OK for your son to run freely in a playground, in your backyard, or inside your home, the rules are different when he's in a parking lot, in a shopping mall, or on the sidewalk. During those times he must hold an adult's hand or sit in a stroller.

When my son was this age, he also would try to assert his independence by running off. I would hold his hand and, when I felt him trying to squirm out of my grip, I'd hold it tighter —- being careful not to hurt him, of course. He quickly learned that there were times when he was free to explore and times when he was not. If it was going to be a long trip, I'd have him sit in his stroller so that we wouldn't have an extended battle of wills.

Another option that many parents like is a safety harness that the child can wear that's attached to the parent by a tether. (Some parents are upset by this because it reminds them of keeping a dog on a leash.) This can be very effective, although you still have to keep a constant eye on your child. I advise against the tethers that go around a child's wrist since they can lead to injury.

In any event, remember that this type of impulsive running away will soon disappear as your child matures.

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