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Expert Q&A:
How do I handle a friend of my son's who won't keep her hands off him?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
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"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


How do I handle a friend of my son's who can't keep her hands off him? My 18-month-old has an almost 3-year-old friend who is always touching him. He doesn't mind all the time, but she always has her hand in his hair or arms wrapped about his neck. What do I do?

Answer


Although you sound worried, this really isn't a big deal. There's no malice in the older child's behavior. She just hasn't learned appropriate social boundaries yet when it comes to expressing her friendship. Give her one or two very simple rules to follow when you feel her behavior is going too far ("We don't grab hair." "We don't grab people by the neck"). Other than that, your best bet is to distract the two of them with something more interesting to do when she gets "touchy." This behavior will go away once she learns more sophisticated social and verbal skills
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Member comments

It's when they're older, like say 8-10 years old, when it's a real problem. I had a friend whose 10 ..

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