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Expert Q&A:
How should a parent react when a 3-year-old uses swear words?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
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"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


How should a parent react when a pre-schooler (age 3) repeats a swear word again and again that she heard from who knows where?

Answer


Isn't it wonderful how quickly children learn about the power of words! This is actually an easy problem to solve. First, keep in mind that your daughter probably has no idea what the word means. Second, she's using it because it gets an emotional reaction from the adults around her. In other words, it gives her power. The only thing you have to do is ignore her when she uses that word. Don't say anything positive or negative. Don't become upset. Simply ignore her. She won't like that at all. In fact, she might try using that word several times in a row. Just keep ignoring her. Then pay attention to her when she says something polite. She'll soon learn that she has more power when she talks to you politely. That should solve the problem -- at least for the next year or two.
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