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Expert Q&A:
How should I handle a 13-month-old who hits her mother?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
Meet our authors
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


How should I handle a 13-month-old who hits her mother?

Answer


First of all, don't worry. It's completely normal for a child this age to feel frustrated and to show her emotions by hitting, kicking, or even biting. Remember that she doesn't yet have the verbal skills or sophistication to express herself in words.

The fact that so far she's only hit her mother doesn't mean anything beyond the fact that her mother's there when she's feeling the most frustrated (or tired or hungry or sick). She's not passing judgment on her parents.

The best thing you can do is be patient and reassuring when she's upset. Talk to her in a soothing voice. Gently stop her fists from swinging until she calms down.

When she's a bit older and becomes upset, you can help her by putting her feelings into words. ("I can see you're angry at me for telling you to go to bed.") This will help her learn to use language instead of her fists to express her overwhelming emotions. But for now, just be patient and soothing.
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