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Expert Q&A:
How should I respond when my 3-year-old complains she is "by herself" in our family?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
Meet our authors
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


How should I respond when my 3-year-old complains she is "by herself" in our family?

Answer


You daughter is absolutely right, of course. Then again, if she were one of the twins she would probably tell you that she's envious of her non-twin sibling, because she gets more attention as an individual.

These are the sorts of battles that you can never win if you argue the logic of the case. So what can you do?

First, let your daughter know that you take her concerns seriously. ("I can see that you're sometimes lonely at night.") Then work on ways you can address that issue. ("How about if Dad or I cuddle with you just before bedtime.")

At the same time, I'd give her ways that she can reframe her perspective on being the child who isn't a twin. ("No matter how old you get, you're always going to be their big sister. That's very special. Nothing can change that.")

You can expect this type of issue to crop up in some way from each of your children. Remember that it's a healthy way for them to vie for your attention. In general, respond by focusing on their emotions first instead of arguing the logic of their complaints.
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