Q&A:
How should we react when my 21-month-old grandson misbehaves in restaurants?

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Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.

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"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.

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Question

How should we react when my 21-month-old grandson misbehaves in restaurants?

Answer

In general, toddlers and restaurantsat least the ones that don't have fast food and play spacesare not a good match. It has nothing at all to do with misbehavior, and everything to do with natural development.

It's normal for children this age and older to (1) be frustrated by having to wait and (2) want to be the center of attention. That's just the way toddlers are. Here are some suggestions:

For the next few years, don't take your grandson to restaurants that are not set up specifically to cater to young children. Remember that the child is much more interested in the social experiencespending time with youthan in the cuisine. For fun, set up a pretend restaurant at home where he can not only be the customer but also the sous-chef as you jointly create his favorite bowl of cereal or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

When he's in preschool, start bringing him to restaurants that have waiters. Make sure you bring something to do during the time between ordering the food and when it arrives. (Restaurants that have fish tanks are a great bet.) If he's still overwhelmed or frustrated by the experience, wait a few months and try again.