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Expert Q&A:
If our 2-year-old insists that only Daddy can put him to bed, should we give in?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
Meet our authors
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


If our 2-year-old insists that only Daddy can put him to bed, should we give in?

Answer


It's perfectly normal for a toddler or preschooler to go through phases in which he seems to prefer one parent to another. When this happens, try to keep several things in mind:

  1. It's not a reflection of your child's love for either of you. He doesn't love one parent more than the other. Rather, it's a way for him to experiment with power — an important and recurring issue for toddlers and preschoolers.
  2. It's not a comment on the skills of either of you as parents. It doesn't mean that he's decided that one of you is a "good" parent while the other one is "bad."
  3. His preference will change. In a few weeks he'll probably insist that Mommy is the only one who can do something else with him.
Meanwhile, the best thing is to go with the flow and avoid a power struggle over something that's relatively trivial. It's not worth the battle. Have his father put him to bed for the time being. But if he tries to expand his demands unreasonably, set some limits. ("I know you want Daddy to feed you, but today I'm the one with the food. Daddy can put you to bed later on.")
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