Question

I want to bond with my husband and our baby when the baby is born. My in-laws say that won't happen because I will be too tired and they don't want to wait for me to have time alone with my baby and husband. All I ask is for an hour after the baby is born. That is a no go. Am I being selfish? I want this to be a part of my birth plan. I thought that whatever would make the mother comfortable is what goes. Am I wrong? What happens after birth? Will I be too tired to bond with my newborn? Help!

Answer

It seems that you are in a difficult situation -- feeling torn between your desires and what your in-laws are telling you will happen after your baby is born. There are two different issues in the question you're asking: one relates to the value of the time parents spend with their newborn immediately after birth; the other relates to resolving a conflict regarding what a mother wishes for her birth experience and what her family wants. Assuming all is fine with both mother and baby immediately after birth, there is no doubt that it's an ideal time for new parents and their baby to begin to get to know each other. Obviously you've been waiting nine long months to meet the baby you've been carrying, and it's understandable that you might want to do this at first with just your husband present. This is a very exciting and intimate time when you can talk with each other about what has just taken place regarding your labor and birth, and explore your baby -- checking out fingers and toes, stroking his body, and putting him to breast for the first time. Although labor is work and you may feel tired, most mothers have a burst of energy after the birth is over and are eager to spend time with the baby. The first hour after birth is also an ideal time for your baby, because most newborns are very alert and responsive during this period. Your baby is usually able to establish eye contact with you, fixate on your face, and respond to your voice. You'll be amazed at his capabilities! After the first hour, many babies then fall into a deep sleep and may not demonstrate such alertness again for several days. So the first hour after birth is a special one. I strongly support your wishes to have this time for "bonding" as you and your husband begin the attachment process with your new baby. At the same time I encourage you to try to find a compromise with your family members. There might be several options. If their concern is having to wait an additional hour to see the baby, perhaps they could come into your room immediately after the birth for only five to 10 minutes, just to greet the baby and see that you are fine. And then they could be asked to leave for awhile (perhaps your nurse or caregiver can help you with facilitating this) to give you and your husband the time alone with your baby you want. Another option might be to decrease your "alone time" from an hour to a half hour after the birth and then invite your family to join you. Although you want to do all you can to maintain good relationships within your family and not hurt feelings, the bottom line is that this is your birth experience and you have the right to do what is important to you.