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Expert Q&A:
My 3-year-old daughter insists she's a boy -- should I be concerned?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
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"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


My daughter will be 3 tomorrow, and for the last six months she has insisted that she is a boy. I never thought I would be concerned, but it is getting to the point that it is all she thinks about. How should I handle it? Should I be concerned?

Answer


In a word, no. It's normal for children this age to wonder and fantasize about being the opposite sex, just as it's normal for slightly older children to have imaginary friends. It's just part of an active fantasy life. My guess is that she talks about it a lot because she can see that she gets a reaction from you. So don't worry. The next time she mentions it you might try saying something like, "What would your name be if you were a boy? And what would your name be if you were a cat?" Have fun together playing with the idea of being someone or something else.
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