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Expert Q&A:
My mother-in-law is obsessed with my daughter -- what should I do?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
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"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


My husband's childless stepmother has been "infatuated" (her word) with my 6-year-old "Jane" since Jane's birth. She regularly gives multiple gifts to Jane, but none to my 5-year-old. She tells Jane, "Uh-oh, here comes mommy!" "Do you want me to rescue me from your mommy?" She once yanked Jane from my arms and ran off into the woods. Another time, she flung Jane 15 feet across the floor. (Both times she was angry at me.) She's invited herself to our house about every other weekend for four years. We've talked to her many times. Nothing changes. What should I do?

Answer


I'm very concerned about your mother-in-law's mental health. Her behavior is potentially dangerous to your children. She needs help.

#1: Your husband (she's his stepmother) has to tell her that she can visit only when you agree ahead of time. Then stick to that. (It sounds as if you've been letting her push you around on this matter.) Supervise her visits.

#2: Talk to other family members about your concerns. Help her find treatment.
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