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Expert Q&A:
What can we do about our 3 1/2 year-old, who steals things?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


What can we do about our 3 1/2-year-old, who steals things from her siblings or my purse? She hides them in her backpack. Talking to her about not taking other people's things doesn't help. I'm afraid she'll take and lose something valuable.

Answer


Keep in mind that to a child this age, possession is ten-tenths of the law. The niceties of ownership and value are irrelevant. If she sees something she likes, she'll have no qualms about taking it. That's normal for a young preschooler or a toddler. (Also, if asked, she'll deny having taken these things if you appear upset.) For the time being, your best offense is a good defense. Keep valuables out of her reach. Instruct her siblings to do the same. And check her backpack frequently. As her brain matures, she'll become better able to understand moral issues such as stealing. That doesn't mean you should stop telling her that it's wrong or that you shouldn't reprimand her. ("I know you want this shiny toy very much, but it belongs to your sister. Give it back.") But don't expect lectures and warnings alone to do the trick at this age.

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