Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."
Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.
He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.
Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.
Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
Question
My 4-year-old daughter gets upset when children in the neighborhood say things like "I don't like you." I don't know how to handle this. Should I talk to the other parents?
Answer
You're witnessing a common and fascinating phenomenon. Preschoolers are beginning to understand and play with the power of words. They do so by saying things like "I hate you!" and "If you give me that I'll be your best friend!" Talking to the other parents won't help, since the children's behavior is perfectly normal. Unfortunately, if your daughter becomes distraught when she hears these things, the other children will do it more since it demonstrates the power they have. The best approach is to help your daughter with her own social skills through a bit of role-playing. Tell her that the two of you are going to play a game. Let her say to you "I don't like you." You can reply with "Well, I'm playing here anyway." Then trade roles so that she gets to practice the responses. That, plus your encouragement and support, should give her the confidence she needs to hold her ground when she's verbally attacked in this way. If she does this, the odds are that the other children will play with her.
