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Expert Q&A:
When should I tell my 3-year-old that her father and I are splitting up?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
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"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


I'm sure that your daughter already senses that something important (and potentially bad) is going on in your home. The timing of speaking to her is the least of your issues.

Answer


I'm sure that your daughter already senses that something important (and potentially bad) is going on in your home. The timing of speaking to her is the least of your issues.

Young children in stressful situations worry about three things: Am I safe? Are the people who take care of me safe? How will this affect my daily life? They also tend to blame themselves for anything bad that happens in their family. You need to address all of those issues.

First, hug your daughter and tell her that you will love her and take care of her forever and ever. You should do this a lot over the next year. Remember that the details of your breakup and custody arrangement are beyond her comprehension. What she really wants to know is that she'll be protected and that you're OK.

Reassure her that she's a good girl, and that she didn't do anything bad to cause this. Again, it's a good idea to say this many times.

I strongly urge you and your boyfriend to get some counseling from a child psychologist or child psychiatrist who has expertise in divorce and custody issues. A local family court judge can probably help you find someone.

While a 50/50 split may sound good to parents, it may not be the best thing for your daughter, especially since shuttling between two homes every week or so can be extremely stressful to a young child. You should explore other possible arrangements, with the understanding that these may change as she grows older.

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