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Expert Q&A:
Why does my 2 1/2-year-old become upset when her dad hugs me?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


Why does my 2 1/2-year-old become upset when her dad hugs me?

Answer


Her jealousy is a sign of how close you are. She sees no reason why she should have to share you with anyone —including her dad! That's normal thinking for a toddler.

The best approach is to reassure her that you love her very much and that nobody will ever replace her. That gets at the core of her concerns. The worst thing you or your husband could do is to become angry with her, since that will only make her more anxious and jealous.

By the way, you can expect her attentions to shift back and forth over the next dozen years. In a year or two she'll become "Daddy's girl" and act as if you're an intruder in the family. Again, that's perfectly normal. So enjoy the times when you're the focus of her life, and reassure your husband that his time will come soon.

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