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Expert Q&A:
Why does my 3-year-old resent his 1-month-old brother?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
Meet our authors
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


My 3-year-old son won't go near my new baby, who is 1 month old. He did when the baby was born, but now he won't, and he tells everyone that the baby is bad or that he hates him. But my 18-month-old loves the baby and has no problem with him. What's up with my 3-year-old?

Answer


Your son's behavior is quite common, especially among preschoolers of the same gender as the new baby in the family. Think of the situation from his perspective: He's worried that the new baby is replacing him in your eyes. That's a terrifying thought to a young child.
There are a few things that you can do to help him feel more secure and, therefore, friendlier toward his younger brother. First, tell him repeatedly that you're going to be his parents forever and ever. Be sure to spend some time alone with him and focusing all of your attention on him every day. This way, through your words and your behaviors, you're addressing his unspoken fears of abandonment.
Second, tell your 3-year-old that he's so smart that he has a new and very special job. He's going to be the "official interpreter" for his baby brother. When his brother babbles or coos, ask him what he thinks the baby is saying.
This will reassure your older son that he's still an important family member. Also, his "translations" will probably tell you more about what's on his mind than anything having to do with your new baby.
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