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Expert Q&A:
Why does my 3-year-old say he "hates" people?

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Lawrence Kutner
Answered by Lawrence Kutner Ph.D.
"I'm a clinical psychologist, a consultant, and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which is a great combination for someone who's nosy."

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D. (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent &; Child," which was syndicated globally. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine. He's also a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

He is on the psychiatry faculty of Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital, where he is co-director of the Harvard Medical School Center for Mental Health and Media. In addition, he's on the board of advisors to the Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellowship Program at the Carter Center in Atlanta.

Dr. Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. He received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent &; Child: Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, Making Sense of Your Teenager, and Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do.

Dr. Kutner is the father of a 18-year-old son as well as a 30-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family live outside of Boston, Massachusetts.
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Question


My 3-year-old son says that he "HATES" people. Everywhere we go it's "I hate this" or "I hate that." I don't understand why he says this. My husband and I never say that. We try to tell him that it's wrong to hate, but he keeps on saying that.

Answer


Preschoolers have such a flair for the dramatic! My guess is that two things are going on here. The first is simply a matter of verbal and cognitive development. As an adult, you have a much deeper understanding of the subtleties of language. Your 3-year-old sees the world in much more black-and-white terms.

That's why a young child will state that he hates spinach, all the while making a face and sticking out his tongue in disgust. An adult with the same aversion will simply state that she dislikes spinach, and do so without the attendant melodrama. The cure for that part of the problem is patience. It will go away as your child matures.

The second issue is that your son has learned that you react when he says he hates something. It's become something of a game with him. Even if you become upset, that's reinforcing his behavior. The way to solve this is simply not to pay attention to him when he talks this way. You'll find that he may use the word "hate" a lot more for a day or so while he checks whether he can get you to react again. If you don't, he'll stop using it as much because it's no longer fun.

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Smart kid.. He learned a lesson early:)

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